Why Before the Morning?

I'm sure it's been killing you to know why I name my blog what I did. For one, fuckyouinfertility was already taken. Just kidding. Only I'm totally serious.

And when I found out the possibility that my chances of conceiving were seriously questionable: 1) We had moved to northeast Ohio a few months before, and I didn't have any friends here. (Side note: I still don't have any friends here, but that it neither here nor there) And 2), hubby was in Ft. Bragg, NC for the month. I was all. alone.

So being the emotional basketcase I am, I cried. And cried and cried and cried. And being the music lovah that I am, got the praise and worship jams going. But on constant repeat was Josh Wilson's "Before the Morning". I have always loved that song, and it speaks to me everytime I hear it. Google it, even if you're not Christian. It's that good. Cause the pain that you've been feeling, can't compare to the joy that's coming...

So that, kids, is why I named this blog after that song.

Small update: I have to take another break from IUI-ing it up since the loss. Of course my RE didn't tell me that during my visit (grrrrrrr!) but he wants me to take 2 months off to let my hormone levels normalize. Since I'm PMS-ing like a MOFO right now, I'd say is right around the corner.

And I promise to update more often. Between vacay, 2 jobs, volunteering, and everything else going on, life it a little cray cray.

Instead.

Instead of being sad today, on Mother's Day, that I'm not a mom, I'm going to be happy. And proud. My mom is officially in remission for the third time as of Friday, so today is another day that I get to appreciate all that she's done for me.

And I get to be a proud aunt again this year, this time to mister Kellan. He is my handsome little nephew born to my sister, who had some fertility issues of her own.

And how could you not be happy with a face like this?

So this is me wishing a Happy Mothers Day to all the moms out there. 

The Start of My Infertility Journey...But Certainly Not the End

A clique. We're in a clique. But not the mean kind. The kind where it's not abnormal to talk about CM, CD, DPO, our wand boyfriends whom we're all too often acquainted with, etc. You get the idea. We don't want to welcome you, because we don't want you to understand the pain and anguish each month and each negative POAS brings. But we do. Because without the bond, it would almost be too much to bear.

I was kicked out of a clique once, on The Nest. It was right after I was diagnosed with PCOS, and I was simply looking for information: what worked and what didn't. And you know what? I was told I needed to try to get pregnant for longer before I could join the "group". Those gals? Can fuck off.

Of course there are going to be those of us who have had longer journeys, more losses, more failures, and more successes. My journey, in the grand scheme of things, is a short one. Thus far. And I don't take that for granted. But it's worth knowing what I've gone through in order to understand the story. So in short, a bit of a timeline.

May 2010- BF and I decided to start "trying" (yes, before we were even engaged....because when ya know, ya know, ya know?)

May 15th, 2010- Nick asked me to marry him

June 14th, 2010- Our shotgun wedding before deployment

November 2010- Baby-making put on hold thanks to deployment (I was not about to be sent home)

October 2011- Resume said baby-making...and fail. And fail some more.

May 2012- Experienced my very first 46 day cycle. Whaaaaaaaat?

June 2012- Diagnosed with PCOS. Begin 50 mg of clomid immediately to trigger ovulation. Hubby diagnosed with low morphology.

July-September 2012- Fail with 50 mg of clomid.

October-December 2012- Fail with 100 mg of clomid.

January 2013- Switch to Femara 2.5 mg. Don't even ovulate.

February 2013- 5 mg of Femara with HCG trigger injection to stimulate my eggies. IUI numero uno? Fail. Plan again for following month.

March 2013- Same dosage and injection, only natural baby making. Didn't conceive. Or so I thought.

April 22nd, 2013- Miscarriage at 5 weeks. See you in heaven little one.

So there's my story. And now I wait for my body to get back on a schedule, whatever that is. And I pray. And I pray some more. And then I pray for everyone who is in the same boat, or treading water, or on the other side of the lake. Because He has to have a reason, right?

Right.