I'm a Hippie

No really. I am. Someone buy me a tie-dye shirt for Christmas and burn my bra while you're at it.

Actually, burn all my bras. It's not like I'm wearing them anyway.

Since I've fallen pregnant (as they say in the UK) I've had a lot of time to do research. On all sorts of baby related things. And I've come to the conclusion that I am a hippie. In the best sense of the word, of course.

I plan on breastfeeding. The act of breastfeeding alone doesn't qualify you as hippie. At least not to me. But I've become the like the ultimate defender of breastfeeding in public (or where ever you desire) since getting pregnant. I get infuriated when I hear stories about women being asked to go to the restroom to BF, or being stared at for FEEDING THEIR BABIES. But I digress.

We are also cloth diapering. This has less to do with the environment and more to do with my incessant need to save money wherever we can. But it's also good for the environment, so I'm ALL about it.

I also plan on baby wearing. And doing a delayed vaccination schedule. And baby led weaning.

You know what the best part is? I don't care what anyone else does with their parenting. Want to use formula? More power to you. Disposable diapers? Awesome. Chew up your food and feed it to your baby a la Alicia Silverstone? Gross to me, but whatever floats your boat.

Because who am I to judge? Is your baby fed, clothed, housed, and most importantly, loved? Awesome.

That's all that matters.

Love and Babydust,

Our BFP Story!

I have obviously been pretty absent the past few months. As many of you already probably know, I am almost 30 weeks pregnant with our little boy, Lane Marshall. And frankly, it couldn't have come as more of a surprise. I've been reluctant to share our story, more out of fear than anything else, because well...I'm just not used to good things happening. So for the longest time, I felt like it would keep the bad juju out. But I'm beyond ecstatic, and a mere 73 days from birth, so it's time.

With the loss we had in April, I was instructed by my reproductive endocrinologist to take a break from my meds to let my body have a chance to clear itself out. I was bummed when I found that out, especially because we were on vacation in Florida, but I could understand the rationale. Basically we were looking a 2 solid months of stress-free baby dancing.

Fast forward to the first weekend of June: we were in Columbus having a night out with our friends, C & A. Think bowling, arcades, and a lot of alcohol. I had ovulation pains, but since I wasn't taking any meds, figured I didn't release any eggs. Until I got this on June 19th:

(Please ignore the Mojo hair on my bathroom counter)

I was terrified! Three days prior I was in the ER for my neck and got some pretty heavy narcotics for the pain, as well as a regular regimen of oral narcotics. I thought for sure I had ruined my baby before he/she was even born. The nurse at the doctor's office assured me that it was still early, and that our mom's probably dropped acid, and we turned out slightly psychotic completely normal. My doctors have assured me that it was residual meds left in my system that resulted in this baby, but I still get people telling me "I told you when you stopped trying, you'd get pregnant." Those people? I WANT TO PUNCH RIGHT IN THE FACE.

And then I fell even more in love:

So far so good! My pregnancy has been pretty uncomplicated except for a bad case of sciatica which landed me in physical therapy. So be sure to look for more blog posts in the future! I don't think I will continue on Facebook after baby is born, so many of my updates on baby will be posted here (and lots of pics on Instagram of course!). As a friend from high school put it, "my baby will not be famous on Facebook".

Have a wonderful weekend! Go Bucks!

Love and Babydust :)

Thankful Thursdays

So, I've decided that not even I like to talk about infertility. All. The. Time.

Because of this I'm instituting Thankful Thursdays. You remember the month of November on Facebook when everyone wrote something they were thankful for every day? Well, I loved it. And thus, I'm introducing in into my blog. I've even got something planned for Fridays, but you'll just have to hold on to your pants for that one.

I know it sounds supa dupa cliche, but I've eternally thankful for my husband. Let's just say being married to me probably isn't the cake walk I'd like to make it out to be, but my hoosband - is a trooper. I  have a tendency to go through life at a full on sprint, and he makes it okay to walk. He gives me perspective when I need it most. Like the other day, I was diagnosed with having 3 herniated discs in my neck. And while I was feeling bummed about it, he says, "Hey, you don't have stage 4 cancer". This might be annoying to some folks, but since we've been together my mom has beaten cancer twice, and it's refreshing.

There's no one else I'd rather go on this journey through life with, and that includes my infertility. When I was diagnosed, he said "We will do whatever it takes." And he still says that, even when I get $1000+ doctor bills in the mail (yesterday). And now for the gratuitous pics of his handsome self.

On top of Mt. Vesuvius

A rare moment of him being weird, and not me

Road trip to Dallas for NYE

Love and Babydust,

Why Before the Morning?

I'm sure it's been killing you to know why I name my blog what I did. For one, fuckyouinfertility was already taken. Just kidding. Only I'm totally serious.

And when I found out the possibility that my chances of conceiving were seriously questionable: 1) We had moved to northeast Ohio a few months before, and I didn't have any friends here. (Side note: I still don't have any friends here, but that it neither here nor there) And 2), hubby was in Ft. Bragg, NC for the month. I was all. alone.

So being the emotional basketcase I am, I cried. And cried and cried and cried. And being the music lovah that I am, got the praise and worship jams going. But on constant repeat was Josh Wilson's "Before the Morning". I have always loved that song, and it speaks to me everytime I hear it. Google it, even if you're not Christian. It's that good. Cause the pain that you've been feeling, can't compare to the joy that's coming...

So that, kids, is why I named this blog after that song.

Small update: I have to take another break from IUI-ing it up since the loss. Of course my RE didn't tell me that during my visit (grrrrrrr!) but he wants me to take 2 months off to let my hormone levels normalize. Since I'm PMS-ing like a MOFO right now, I'd say is right around the corner.

And I promise to update more often. Between vacay, 2 jobs, volunteering, and everything else going on, life it a little cray cray.

Instead.

Instead of being sad today, on Mother's Day, that I'm not a mom, I'm going to be happy. And proud. My mom is officially in remission for the third time as of Friday, so today is another day that I get to appreciate all that she's done for me.

And I get to be a proud aunt again this year, this time to mister Kellan. He is my handsome little nephew born to my sister, who had some fertility issues of her own.

And how could you not be happy with a face like this?

So this is me wishing a Happy Mothers Day to all the moms out there. 

The Start of My Infertility Journey...But Certainly Not the End

A clique. We're in a clique. But not the mean kind. The kind where it's not abnormal to talk about CM, CD, DPO, our wand boyfriends whom we're all too often acquainted with, etc. You get the idea. We don't want to welcome you, because we don't want you to understand the pain and anguish each month and each negative POAS brings. But we do. Because without the bond, it would almost be too much to bear.

I was kicked out of a clique once, on The Nest. It was right after I was diagnosed with PCOS, and I was simply looking for information: what worked and what didn't. And you know what? I was told I needed to try to get pregnant for longer before I could join the "group". Those gals? Can fuck off.

Of course there are going to be those of us who have had longer journeys, more losses, more failures, and more successes. My journey, in the grand scheme of things, is a short one. Thus far. And I don't take that for granted. But it's worth knowing what I've gone through in order to understand the story. So in short, a bit of a timeline.

May 2010- BF and I decided to start "trying" (yes, before we were even engaged....because when ya know, ya know, ya know?)

May 15th, 2010- Nick asked me to marry him

June 14th, 2010- Our shotgun wedding before deployment

November 2010- Baby-making put on hold thanks to deployment (I was not about to be sent home)

October 2011- Resume said baby-making...and fail. And fail some more.

May 2012- Experienced my very first 46 day cycle. Whaaaaaaaat?

June 2012- Diagnosed with PCOS. Begin 50 mg of clomid immediately to trigger ovulation. Hubby diagnosed with low morphology.

July-September 2012- Fail with 50 mg of clomid.

October-December 2012- Fail with 100 mg of clomid.

January 2013- Switch to Femara 2.5 mg. Don't even ovulate.

February 2013- 5 mg of Femara with HCG trigger injection to stimulate my eggies. IUI numero uno? Fail. Plan again for following month.

March 2013- Same dosage and injection, only natural baby making. Didn't conceive. Or so I thought.

April 22nd, 2013- Miscarriage at 5 weeks. See you in heaven little one.

So there's my story. And now I wait for my body to get back on a schedule, whatever that is. And I pray. And I pray some more. And then I pray for everyone who is in the same boat, or treading water, or on the other side of the lake. Because He has to have a reason, right?

Right.

Losing

Hello! I was hoping to start off this blog on a very positive note, or at least a less sad note, but life doesn't always work out like that.

My name is Shannon, and welcome to my blog, where I will try and make light of life's dealings, specifically my battle with infertility.

So while I was planning on introducing myself, I have to make a confession. Last week, which as many of you know was National Infertility Awareness Week, I had a miscarriage. I lost a baby I didn't know I had. And to be honest? I've been feeling a little empty since then.

I don't intend for this to be a contest as to who has had the tougher battle, because we are all fighting the same battle in different ways. A battle that right now? I feel like I'm losing.